Rink Warrior Gifts

"Just so you know, despite the horrifying beating you're about to receive, I'm actually a pretty good hockey player."

Yeah, I've been driving in circles for an hour looking for a place to park. Zamboni.

"It's from my first fight. So make the stitches big so I'll have a gnarly scar to show off."

'I'd better make a note of your blood group...'

"If they do let anyone go I don't think age will be a consideration. You shouldn't kill yourself trying to look younger than you are."

Cosmetics. Helps get rid of crow's feet.

'I never knew baking was such a violent activity. You have to beat the eggs, whip the cream, and mash the nuts.'

'He migrates through every year about this time. Just sits there and watches. We leave him alone and he leaves us alone...'

Dr. and Mrs. Steven Mueller.

'Doctor, how can I prevent wrinkles? Don't sleep in your clothes.'

"Yup, nothing new under the sun."

Botox sharpei

Boxing Trainer: 'And watch out for this fella. He has a huge Left Hook.'

I'm calling for back-up

'No, it's not a special on the Grand Canyon. It's an actor's face in high definition.'

'Believe me, sweetie, if I thought the 'Wrinkle Out' setting on the clothes dryer would work...'

The world's most successful beauty blogger...

'I must warn you, I'm an army boxer.'

Independence Day Came Early

'You've got him worried - he's afraid he's going to kill you!'

Cat boxer

'Such petulance!'

'Look at it this way...you're like a big pop star! The hits just keep on coming!'

'Too much Botox, Mavis.'

'The effects of aging are inevitable. Either accept it, or inject it.'

'It has had phenomenal growth and, for those involved, an atmosphere crawling with excitement. Congratulations, Hawkins, for heading our Bed Bug division.'

'The Pen Is Mightier...Still.'

How Tattoos Age

'Hello, 911?'

"The gentleman opposite would like to buy you more time."

"Of course I'm young at heart...I had one of my wrinkles pierced, didn't I?"

"Well it's not the BEST facelift but what can you expect for $25."

'I don't understand - he's just as strong as ever.'

Environmental Disasters and War

Large, hairy gay man is caught in a 'bear' trap.