Retirement Cynic Pillows

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

"There are no big jobs, only small machines."

"VP J.D. Vance called Donald: 'cynical asshole,' a 'moral disaster,' a 'total fraud,' an 'idiot,' and suggested he might be 'America’s Hitler.'"

"Aren't you the estate agent who sold us this house?"

"Taxation with representation hasn't worked out so well." (two men at the US capital talking taxes and politics)

Body Language Expert - 'You don't like your job do you?'

"Dear, if the news stresses you out so much, turn it off!"

"I'm back from Russia. Putin offered me a Dacha to say he's an honest man."

Famous Oxymorons...

"So what is the true need for this project?" "To make me look good."

'This Libor rate scandal gives new meaning to the term 'Fixed'-rate mortgage.'

It's the same ingredients and aftertaste as stimulus 1..."

'You're too big to fail and be fired, but too small to move up to the job you'd like'

"Trust me, there is no subsidized lunch."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

'Confused about your future, depressed, lacking confidence, not sure who you can trust...I'd suggest you avoid any election news and watch modern family instead.'

'Sometimes I think it would be more merciful just to enslave them.'

'My goal is to be a failure and accept a colossal golden parachute.'

Jones, Needham, Pinkner, Fortney - Just doing their jobs.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

The Fed: Problems and the solution.

"To increase consumer optimism, we're going to put Prozac in the drinking water."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

The first accurate poll.

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'I hate my boss!...'

"Would you say your politics are middle of the road?"

'Dad, is it true what they say about lemmings following each other off a cliff?' 'If they work at a company like mine, it is.'

'I see you hold degrees in eating, sleeping, AND mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the other college graduates who have applied.'

"Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I think we can fool all the people all the time!"

'I don't revere this guy because he founded the company. He's the one who tried to talk me out of getting into this business in the first place.'