Resume Updating Pillows

I'm just sittin ghere updating my resume and recalibrating my expectations.

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"I didn't get a job at the job fair, but I got a blue ribbon for best resume."

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

"When did you say you left school?"