Resume Updater Pillows

"I got an A+ on my math test! I'm updating my resume."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"He's having a hard time finding work."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

"You inhabit the body of someone who has an impressive résumé."

'Alright, throw in your resume and the 'Get A Job' potion will be complete.'

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Laid off from a dot-com? Ask about our resume-writing software.

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

"These references are excellent Mr. Canning. But do you have any from someone other than your mother?"

"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

'We heat the entire building by burning resumes.'

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"When did you say you left school?"

'This resume is incredible. Would you be able to lie this well under pressure?'