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'I'm sorry Sir, but your background check has bounced.'

"I did have a question regarding your career history. Under 'Strengths,' you listed 'Never convicted.' Would you mind elaborating on that?"

"I can start Monday - but I'll need to leave early. I have another job interview that day at 3:15."

"You've been working out of your parent's basement since 1993?"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

One of the failed candidates for the copyrighters job wants to know 'wat was rong with his applicashun'.

"It's translated from French, so where it says 'Harvard Business School' it may mean 'jail.'"

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

"Well, your CV certainly contains some very impressive name dropping."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

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PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"I've applied the Paper Reduction Act to my resume."

'My resume,...in rap form!'

"References? Well, I just got six references from the guys in your waiting room."

'Let me start by saying I wish I had your imagination...'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

"I've got some skills - I'm just not sure they add up to a 'set.'"

"John, does this mean you've given up looking for work?"

'Nice, I can see you've taken Day-School classes to further your education...'

'I took the liberty of digitally enhancing my resume to make a mountain out of a mole hill.'

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'My tutor kindly agreed to help!'

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

"No, I'm sorry, we're looking for special people."

"Sorry, but you're overqualified."

'I'll stop saying you've changed jobs too many times if you'll stop giving me notice.'

'We have an opening for a receptionist and a sales person and I'm ready to quit. How are you at multitasking?'

'I wonder if I should add this to my resume.'