Resume Nerd Pillows

'Moses, you're impressing the heck out of me with your resume.'

On a hot day in 1941, scientists uncovered the only known remains of the elusive nerdosaurus rex,

'Hi, my name is Bruce Wayne, but not THE Bruce Wayne!'

Standard endings for sci-fi movies...

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

My other cello is a Stradivari

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

Intellectual Property

"If you really loved me you wouldn't have called me Euthanasia!"

We call her "Kay" --- It's short for "chaos."

Man sees misspelled 'Minimum Competency Testing' sign on door.

"Oh, and add a couple of intentional typos to my weekly email update...I want to appear warm and authentic!!"

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

Sharp Eyes

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

Man kicking Exclamation Mark.

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

Commonly confused homonyms: Frigate and Frigate

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"How do you spell, asteroid?"

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

Irritable Vowel Syndrome

'I think scroll sounds better than 'continuous media,''

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, but you'll have to put your dust jacket back on."

'I'm important to note we really are trying hard.'

"Ok clss pls trn ur pprs ovr n strt :)"

The Vertically Challenged Oxford Dictionary.

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

All kidding aside, let me explain why I get to call you Al, yet you have to call me Dr. Kapuchnik. It's simply because I'm a psychiatrist and you're a bum. It's nothing personal. Thanks for explaining. I feel better.

"I sell them for Website names."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

The Fascinating Language of Ambivalence, Decoded.