Resume Editor Extraordinaire T-Shirts

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You come highly recommended. I like that."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''

'The good news is that all the teachers liked the weekend brainstorming retreat. The bad news is that twelve of them are out today with splitting headaches.'