Resume Editor Extraordinaire Pillows

Personnel. Portions of my resume have been redacted for national security reasons.

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

Personnel. Any experience in crisis management? No...Just production.

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"You look a lot better on paper than you do online."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

Personnel Manager to applicant: 'Your resume and references are excellent, but your hair is too silly.'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"Darren Eggleston. I saw that!"

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"You come highly recommended. I like that."

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

'Your resume is quite impressive. However, I'm a little concerned about you biting your last four bosses.'

'Of course, it's your business, but I wouldn't ever start a resume with 'Once upon a time in a land far far away!''