Resume Critique Champion T-Shirts

"I see from your resume that you lost your last job due to habitual lateness."

"There's something weird about Emily. She actually likes school!"

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Your resume begins Once Upon A Time...I like that!

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"I think I gained weight because of the heavy reading Mr. Klacken assigns us."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

Fruit Fly Job Interviews

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'Miss Peterson will be with you as soon as she goes through a few other resumes.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

'Your resume is certainly impressive, Mr. Simmons, but do you have any on the job experience?'

'The candidate must be decisive and independently minded.' - 'Would I describe myself as 'decisive and independently minded'?' - 'Would you describe me as 'decisive and independently minded'?'

"Yes, I suppose attention seeking may be considered by some as an asset, but frankly we need more than that."

"Where would you say you are on the confidence/cockiness spectrum?"

'Very impressive. Do you have any post-kindergarten education?'

'Interesting resume, would you mind if I kept it overnight? I'd like to take it home with me...and scare the living daylight out of my kids.'

"Head of Sales, VP of Marketing, and an endangeres species....Wow. I'm impressed..."

"Yeah, but no progress in meeting..."

"Any talents besides tasting good?"

The tough job market is proving to be time consuming. I receive thousands of resumes each week and shredding them takes up too much time

"I'd like your honest, unbiased and possibly career-ending opinion on something."

'You're a good first draft. We would like to see a finished version.'

"Not sure what to watch? Go to menu/settings/power/off/pick up a book."

"According to your resume, your last three employers are some of the biggest crime families on the eastern seaboard. I don't know what position you've applied for, but welcome to the company."

'Call this one -I like short resumes.'

"Sorry, I'm looking for someone with a twinkle in the eye."

How can you read that comic strip Blondie? Its about a kinder, simpler time. It's about ancient history. They do the same material over and over. Exactly. I can count on it. Not like your stupid Pearls and Get fuzzy. Oooh, look how angry and edgy they are. They're sooo clever! Your whole gig is being angry and edgy. Look, I'm setting Candorville on fire.

'Well, what about the two month gap in my reume? I fell into my sofa at home.'

'You have an online degree from the college of hard knocks'

"Your CV is very impressive. We're interested in the person who wrote it."

"Here's my resume. . . all nonfiction."