Resume Booster Pillows

Qualifications

"The resume you are about to experience is based on true events."

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

'This guy REALLY leads a sheltered life- he lists Santa as a reference.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

"Unfortunately the first thing they cut was the stationery budget..."

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

'You're hired. Go figure.'

"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"You should hire me now, before my skills completely deteriorate."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"I see a beautiful future ahead for you in the private sector."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'