Resume Booster Pillows

Qualifications

"The resume you are about to experience is based on true events."

'Any recommendations besides these report cards saying you work well with others?'

'This guy REALLY leads a sheltered life- he lists Santa as a reference.'

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

JOIN THE BOY SCOUTS HERE!, ''Trustworthy, friendly, loyal, helpful, kind, courteous, brave, thrifty, obedient and cheerful' -- This is going to look GREAT on my resume!'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

'Trouble is they always forget to return them...'

"Are all these letters of recommendation from your mother?"

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

"Everything looks real good...except these long gaps in your work history every winter."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm working because I've been upgraded. He never upgraded so he's out of work.'

"Unfortunately the first thing they cut was the stationery budget..."

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"My word, this really is impressive! Lots of people have a personal trainer but a personal wine advisor, wow!"

"Your former employer said you demonstrated a remarkable amount of 'get up and go'...especially when you were fired."

'...the job is so much harder when you don't know what you are doing.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

'You're hired. Go figure.'

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"Humility is a virtue, but not on a resume."

'I hear you're looking for bounty hunters...'

"Your CV is amazing. The boss would love you. So unfortunately you've been unsuccessful in your application."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

"A Ph.D. in particle physics, experience in aerospace and rocketry...of course I can juggle."

"It's a pretty good resume, but I would have like to see more bells and whistles."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."