Repair Job Jester Pillows

"The volcano is the shop."

'You'll get five paid sick days, plus an additional two when you're shedding your skin.'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"First the good news - one of us hasn't been made redundant."

Scapegoat of the Year

'You're resigning? What great timing! I was going to lay you off friday!'

"Less hair doesn't mean less work!"

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

The breakup

'You've been with the company for 20 years Harvey, you make an excellent wage, get 4 weeks paid vacation... I'm going to have to let you go.'

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

I don't like the looks of this.

'A belt will have to be tightened...not the cars...yours.'

'I worked briefly in a Fine-China shop, but it didn't work out...'

'Human resources gave us the idea of trying 'blind interviewing'...'

"Can't do them, sorry. I'm waiting for the paint to dry."

"We've gleaned all we need to know about you from the internet, but we'll keep your resume as a great example of creative writing."

"This is a work station, Jackson!"

"You're not just a number here. You're a number who hasn't been fired yet."

Thanks For Not Firing Me Cards

I'm trying to figure out what drives you... A new company car would be nice.

"You're not giving me the job because I'm 'over qualified'? Oh, don't worry, most of those qualifications have been falsified."

"Thanks for coming in again. Sorry about the last time. I must have pulled the wrong lever by mistake."

'I like the way you tick, Watkins!'

'Heyyy, you're hired! Want a peanut?'

'Sorry, but I have to put 'Orca': Who would hire a 'Killer Whale'?...'

"I must admit, I thought I had seen every type of 'attention grabbing' resume out there, but this..."

"Mr. Rod, we know what's happening...you're laying us all off."

What a delightful family. Give them to me at once.