Job Market Jesters Pillows

'Actually, we're looking for someone who's willing to start at the bottom and stay there.'

"Oh, yes, and there's plenty of opportunity for advancement."

Man to realtor: 'How much for a starter cubicle?'

"And where have you previously moused?"

'I'm afraid you don't have the leadership qualities we're seeking.'

How are you at decision making?

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'Do you do self-deprecating humour?'

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

"I see you have a lot of experience in re-tail. . ."

Impressive qualifications, but seeing as how I'm trying to fill the position I just fired you from...

The world's most unemployable family

Bank P45's - 'Cashier number 5 please.'

Opp'y of a Lifetime

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

'I see you have extensive experience eating, sleeping, and mating. That puts you two steps ahead of all the college graduates who have applied.'

'I see an applicant being hired!'

Now Hiring. Artificial Intelligence & Research Lab. "Artificial Intelligence"? Great! I'd be a real asset to your project since I'm not as intelligent as I look!

"I know you used to be our paperboy. That's why when you leave, you'll find your resume on the roof."

"I know your previous employer gave you an excellent reference, but you were self-employed."

"I've worked as a wet-nurse for ten years, but I'm after something new now..."

Now hiring.

"I don't need your resume. Your current employer forwarded me a ton of security video that you're featured in."

"I didn't bring a resume. I brought coffee and donuts."

"It has come to my attention that you may have been somewhat less than forthcoming in your résumé."

The breakup

'We don't have an opening at the moment, but if you'll wait one minute...'

'This is the age of specialisation - you can't be a hunter AND a gatherer.'

'Reinvent yourself, and get back to us.'

10 Days Without an Interest Rate Change

"I recommend you invest in oil. Prices are down now, but auto leaks are up."

'We've replaced the hiring bonus and the health coverage with a promise of a job.'

"We got him through a firm of headhunters"

Personnel. Portions of my resume have been redacted for national security reasons.