Reluctant Tourist Pillows

'Culture Time!'

Halfway across the Hudson River Billy Joe realized he wasn't going to Elvis Island.

"I am not asking for directions."

'This is where we go to get away from it all. . . except for Stanley's money.'

"I'm sorry- I can barely hear you with this goddam ocean behind me."

"Make a sandcastle with you? Of course darling. What about Thursday 3.15pm?"

'Sure, sure - I'm having a great vacation.'

Mall Directory: You are here, but your mind is somewhere else.

The US election is over.

No you can't get out yet. You've only been in there for three hours

'Why are you still sitting here, dear? This is a tropical getaway. It means, get away!'

"Endless Summer III"

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

'I don't want to go school shopping! Can't you just buy stuff for me?. . .Just get me more of this in the next size up!'

Airline concerns.

'Relax - someone will be looking for us...the Inland Revenue...the T V licence people...'

"I think I see it, guys!" "That's a rock." "Look! A dead snake." "Here's an old balloon... I think!" "World's smallest ball of twine."

Excess Baggage: Forcing your homebody spouse to accompany you on a business trip is generally not a great idea.

"You know your problem, Monte? There's more to life than always checking how your stocks are doing."

I just don't trust those self-flying brooms yet.

"Yes, it is true! I've finally persuaded Derek to take a holiday."

Brian, I hope you're prepared for the conference in Hawaii. You bet!

Why men hate shopping.

'When we get to the middle will you then admit your sat nav is useless?'

Last day of home school.

'Not Andy. He'd rather do anything than go on the family vacation.'

Hunting - Man asked to go hunting by his wife

'Ah! This is the life...' - 'No phones. No computers. No hassle.' - 'All I have to do is lie out in the sun...' - '...and fret endlessly about skin cancer.'

"Let's go somewhere fun and not really experience it."

"Oh, how I ...give me a push... hate Mondays."

Travel Agents - Water, water, anywhere with water.

'You can't do this to me, Arlene! -- I'm not the outdoorsy TYPE!'

"Every year it's the same story...dangerous situations. Slippery slopes. Inescapable traps. Horrible creatures. But I trudge forward because no matter what...it's hard to avoid the first day of school."

"I wish you wouldn't take your enjoyment so hard, Ed."

'My travel agent didn't tell me about thissss!'