Reliability Expert T-Shirts

Marvin Shlepmuffin - the guy who pre-programs your fire alarm battery to fail at 2:30 in the morning every time...

"You keep impeccable time."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

The Small Business Advisor: 'The first bit of advice I'd give you for your garage start-up is to tell your dad'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Hoora! I made it through another day!"

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

"You question my methodology? Perhaps you should question your questionology."

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

To prevent geese from flying toward its planes, Jupiter Airlines made some key design changes,

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"All parents fight."

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"To heck with a husband... just help me find a dependable electrician."

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

"Ah-ha! Just in time to make my dinner!"

"At this point we're no longer testing you. We're testing your insurance."

When boomerangs argue.

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"