Relaxed Rascal Gifts

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

'I love my new easylife artist's easel.'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

'This model is hard to get parts for.'

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Wearing bras in 2020.

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

'Break a leg.' - 'Thanks a lot.'

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

Martha Stewart at Home.

'When did the world get into such a big hurry?'

Congestion Eases Inexplicably

'Mind giving him his bath now- he'll be asleep when we get home!'

Success Without Effort

He kicked the door down --- It must not be Opportunity.

'... and the house prices are still going up.'

'Hey! Who left the television off?'

"When people talk about a 'staycation' this isn't what they mean!"

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

'I just started at the bottom and I like it there!'

'I sent Ben to fly fishing school, now he's a menace to the whole stream!'

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

The Tour de Pants.

Boy throwing mud over a coachman's heels

'I'm afraid releasing that information would not be in the public interest.'

"I'm going to have to cut your walk short today."

"You'll never eat all that. Your problem is your eyes are bigger than your stomach."