Relationship Humor Connoisseur Pillows

"I'm always recovering from the previous ten minutes of my existence."

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

'I'll make my final decision on that promotion of yours, after this game.'

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

"I just love the way you're so endlessly inventive in the bedroom."

"Let's talk film or let's not talk film - I'm easy."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

'No, I'm the marriage counselor. What you need is the semantics counselor down the hall.'

"Pardon me, Vito, but I'm holding the talking stick now."

"I said I'd give you the world, didn't I?"

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

'The siege is working my lord. They have food and water but no beard oil. I reckon they will surrender in 12 hours or less'

"He's a guard dog."

'It's our own consumer confidence test. Throw some nickels out and if they're picked up in 5 minutes confidence is really low!'

"You really ought to cut down on your scream time."

'Well, thanks, but we have no need of a Divorce Lawyer: We're Lovebirds you see...'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

Reading the sports pages.

"You're hogging the covers again!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Happy Anniversary, dear! It's a gold spray-painted macaroni necklace."

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

A hammer in his den enjoying a cigar and port with his collection of trophy thumbs above his head.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'You obviously took my suggestion to reduce stress to the extreme.'

'Your resume and interview were so bad, not only did you not get the job, I'm having you arrested as well.'

When at a loss for words Colin would often resort to communicating through the medium of contemporary dance.

Surprised chicken: 'I know. I can't believe it either.'

"OK, now another guy found a feather in his soup! One of you is molting, and I need to know who!"

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."