Relationship Buff Gifts

'If it weren't for my husband, we'd be the perfect couple.'

Marriage Counselors Without Borders

"Charles, we've got to talk."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

'Of course I'll still love you when you're old and skinny!'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I invited a few friends over who think you should see a psychiatrist."

Three gates of hell: marriage counseling, investments, company meetings

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

'Do you promise to love, honor and remain co-dependent until death do you part?'

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"I didn't complain, when you crashed the computer."

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

Frank was certain his Bird of Paradise mating dance would press all the right buttons with Margaret.

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Relationship Warning Lights

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"Do you have any of those books that understand men?"

"Let's say you've always wanted to make someone a mixtape to show them how much you care about them. What's the best order? Do you start with songs about how rich you are before moving on to the songs about love? Or vice versa?. . .What order would best simulate sincerity?"

"They haven't said two words to each other—it's sad... I hope we don't end up like that." "They keep talking to each other—it's exhausting... So glad we don't have to do that."

"We've discovered they mate for life, as long as they don't discuss politics."

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

'Bob, I know you're a Mockingbird, but a few compliments every now and then would greatly help your marriage...'

'You know too much!'

Understanding The Other Side, Whether Men, Women, or Mice.

"I think we'd make a good team!"

$1: Family Secrets

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'