Relationship Advisors T-Shirts

"She left you, Larry — you really have to stop beating yourself up over it."

'Gordon is the latest in a series of unfulfilling relationships.'

'She says she'll go out with me if I can find a co-signer.'

"You're mixed up again, Alan - I'm your first wife."

"I just found out - he voted for Trump!"

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

'You know too much!'

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

Try Mediation

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Window Treatment

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"