Refunds Gifts

'Sorry, no refunds. Didn't you read our fine print in Sanskrit about our return policy?'

Uncle demonstrating chemical experiments to children

"How is it that someone who reads all the Harry Potter books still doesn't know the magic word?"

'Chocolate milk, carrot cake,candied yams...see, there's a solution to everything!'

'Don't look at me. I'm not the one who puts the measuring cups where I can't reach them.'

'He made an excellent jelly.'

There's no such thing as a triple carburetor bypass!

'I don't see why I have to pick it up. I'm not responsible for the law of gravity.'

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'Mom, don't you understand? Those collars are symbols of subservience and repression!'

A DIY disaster.

'Mom! This high resolution screen makes it seem like you're really outdoors!'

"Mom, Mom, watch me!"

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

'This is your spinal column...It's a bunch of bones that runs up and down your back and keeps your legs from going all the way up to your neck.'

'Mom's baking finally allowed us to diversify and greatly increase our neighborhood market share.'

'4 Jello desserts - and, for the love of God, please make them all the same color.' (at restaurant with three kids)

'Good dog Spot. You're always there for me when the sand is hot.'

'Aw, mom! How come I always have to eat at the kiddie carcass?'

Home De-Po. Things you need for your project. Things you didn't know you needed until you were halfway through your project.

Philosopher trading cards.

'Son, someday this will all be yours. Or Wal-Mart's. Whoever pays Daddy the most.'

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

Show and Tell: 'These came from our orgasmic garden.'

Ice Cream Tower.

The dark side of Halloween.

Summer reading for the family.

'Mom! -- Spot's skinny-dipping again!'

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

'I wish I hadn't coloured in all that bread, now.'

"It seemed like a long timeout."

"Tell us again about the humpback of Notre dame."

"Daddy, instead of the princess story tonight, can you explain how and why manifest destiny eliminated the American Indians?"