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Modern Football

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

Joey Barton's red card wins Premiership League for Manchester City.

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

'This firm is committed to diversity -- I have yes-men, si-men, ja-men, oui-men, da-men, hai-men....'

'Can I help it if she's a rotten teacher?'

Pundits

"There's a programme about people watching TV on the other channel."

'Failure is not an option. But inaction due to foot-dragging and red tape is a definite possibility.'

I don't know why, but I never seem to win the close races.

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

"Tonight's big story... we're leaving you... it's not you, it's us..."

"He wasn't quite dark enough to name 'midnight' so I named him ten o'clock."

'That's the end of the news - (B****RD MEN!!)'

"...No, he can't really fly...no, the bad guys really don't have a ray gun...no, this cereal really isn't the best food in the whole world...no, it won't make you as strong as a giant..."

'I think it's called RED!'

"Coming up on political gymnastics, the next candidate will try a triple reverse flip flop..."

The kinder, gentler Grim Reaper

Father and son watching a TV sitcom

Football - How's my Diving?

Presidential Pardons of the Rich and Famous.

Crime and punishment - football.

'...I'm the only one here who's outrageously high opinion of themselves is actually justified.'

'Once again, you were right only fifty percent of the time. Have you considered a career as a TV weatherman?'

"Mind your language, Peters - I'm a 'follicly-challenged' old bastard, if you please."

"We're looking for a tough, aggressive guard dog. Have you been neutered? No, wait ??" I'm not allowed to ask that."

Today, Human Rights Watch sued a man named Santa Claus for discrimination against his employees by calling them 'dwarfs'.

'In a gesture of bipartisanship, the grand bargain was put on the table along with an assortment of cookies, fruit, canapes, pigs in blankets, and other horderves.'

Only in America

politically correct czar: 'Popular...Elitist'

"Watching people argue about the world situation night after night makes me feel like I'm doing something about it."

"You're my top enforcer, Donahue, but I have to let you go. The word on the street is cultural appropriation."

'He's tiring? What happened to round four 'he's ready to go!'?'

'Who? Boson? Higgs Boson? Hey, where the hell have you been hiding?'