Recruitment Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"Your job will be to furnish the office with fresh fish on a daily basis."

"The boss likes people with strong convictions. You're hired."

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"What's your occupation?"

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"Get me a young fella-me-lad with a jib I like the cut of."

Urine Catcher

'I'm afraid I can't do business with you, Miss Carstairs -- you're just too damned cute.'

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

"Besides, 'Not working for this crappy company,' where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

Bit of a mix-up. The advert should have said 'Stalactite wanted'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Oh yes, I'm very adept at using office machines. I can operate soda machines, candy machines, coffee machines..."

'It's a grueling job that requires a strong commitment and personal sacrifice. Is your mother available?'

"I think we're going to have to look at our recruitment algorithms again."

"…and don't let your cash buyout, stock options and lifetime medical benefits hit you in the button the way out."

"We were actually looking to recruit more cats."

"Sorry, but your good references don't match the passion of your bad ones."

'Can you do shorthand?' - 'I don't know, I've never tried.'

"The position you've applied for does employ some osmosis."

"I called you back for a second interview to show you the origami I make with your résumé."

"I find it admirable that you're so honest about your flaws in your resume. This has just saved the both of us a lot of time."

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

"You've got the job, but you've got to change your clothes."

'Nice smile! What do you think?'

Chook Dentist

"Yes, we are accepting resumes. Just put yours in our resume pool."