Reality Critic Prints

'You're going to put me in touch with reality? But I hate reality shows!'

"I've been living vicariously through a really boring person."

'This has the makings of their toughest season ever.'

Difference of Opinion

Man: 'How cute. He must like the movement.' Cat: 'There are some challenging themes here but little or no dramatic resonance.'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

Trump Poutine

"...I don't believe in the past or the future. I don't even believe in right now. Everyone remembers the past differently. Everyone imagines the future differently. Everyone even disagrees about what's happening right now. So who's to say tomorrow what you and I did tonight?"

'Bloody streakers - they have a lot to learn.'

Can't Touch This

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

"I've never read such utter nonsense! There's a guy here reckons we're all living in some kind of computer simulation!"

Rumors, lies and innuendo.

Derren Brown: Pushed to the Edge

Can't Touch This

'Of course, I'm not one of those glamorous paleontologists who are all over TV these days.'

Christmas TV...

"Last week on 'Top Surgeon' Erica won immunity, while Carl was sent home for killing his patient during routine gallbladder surgery."

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

You're on, caller. What's your problem?! The Oscars were so very, very boring. You decided to sit in front of your tv for four hours watching rich people give themselves awards. YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE ENTERTAINED, LOSER! They're coming out with a new show called "Watching Celebrities Cash Their Checks." You'd probably enjoy that. Get professionally berated at asksadie@rudypark.com.

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

"What kind of politician would I be if I didn't politicize this crisis?"

'Do you want to watch the weather/natural disaster channel, the nuclear proliferation channel, or the gun violence/Kennedy assassination channel?'

'No, I've never been in a TV reality show. My reality is pretty well scripted by my wife, kids and boss.'

A slow Day on the Rolling News Channel

Meet John Henderson. - The only journalist NOT to have interviewed serial killers in prison...

"Political cartoons that make people think? Are you crazy? We don't want to distract our readers from the weather forecast, the horoscope and the advertisements!"

'What a strange episode -- they just voted Ricardo Montalban off the island!'

'I thought this was a documentary about animal cruelty.'

'Every TV show seems to have a lucrative phone-in competition these days.'

"I suppose we have Judge Judy to thank for all this."

Diana Inquest - 'It's time to move on, and start making a TV mini-series of her life.'

Tonight, on the microwave channel... chicken pot pie!

A TV tank