Realistic Observers Gifts

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

I think this interleague play is getting out of hand.

'I'm not worried about losing my job. I'm worried about keeping it.'

"So you're just now tellin' me I was hatched from an egg and I coulda' left years ago?!?"

The Three Kinds of People

'That's one of those May-December love affairs. He's 251 years old, and she can't be a day over 135!'

"How can you cross the road so decisively? I have to stop halfway across every time to rethink it."

Magic Act

Mice 25¢

"Oh crap, my mood ring!"

Maternity Hospital

'You're King Kong? You look bigger in the movies.'

"I can hear some rattling: Better start writing those birth notices Darling..."

'He's so fast he has to stop to clean the insects off his glasses.'

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

A spider meal prepping

"Better safe than sorry, son."

Oculist.

'I say, it really shows off your astigmatism to its greatest advantage, doesn't it?'

'What part of 'nature' do you not get?'

"I'm worried about Junior... all he wants to do is kill things."

'Going bald isn't all bad - just think, you'll never have dandruff again!'

Bird Bathrooms

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

First Contact

I'm Going For A Job As A Coat Hangar.

What late birds do.

"Looks like the thong birds are getting ready to fly south for the winter."

"After I had my eyes lasered, the people down there stopped looking like ants. Plump, furry and delicious little rodents, yes, but not ants!"

'It's just not fair: As soon as I start making new friends, we have to migrate again...'

'She's not describing the one that got away, she's describing the flasher she just saw in the bushes.'

Betty's Ex, Ray, Glasses.

"Exactly how far does the tide go out as Southend."

"At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we shall remember them."

"Forget about a vacation at the beach: Fish would stop us from going in the water and seagulls would spot us on the beach..."