Real-life Realist T-Shirts

Proverbs for Real Life. When one door closes it's probably locked and your key is on the other side.

"Could you go back to the front desk? The receptionist has some forms for you to fill out."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

'Your salary will help you learn the lesson that life is not fair.'

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

'Goodbye, dear. This is the kind of day that makes you feel glad to be alive.'

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"This place has a water view if you're looking at the mortgage."

Three years ago during a special episode of the Ask Sadie™ show, our resident octogenarian asked readers for advice about how she could deal with her midlife crisis. You should try a radical makeover. When I hit midlife, I dyed my hair, got some tattoos, and dropped 75 pounds. My husband barely recognized me when he returned from overseas. He was not happy with my "new self," so I divorced him rather than change who I'd become. It was the best decision I'd made since I cut my thieving mother out

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

"First destination: the recycling center to get rid of these cans."

"You're looking for 'Sex After Fifty'? That's in the 'fiction' department."

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

Man Painting Road.

"Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be worse..." "Could be... oh, never mind."

"It was love at first sight, but spectacles have improved a lot since then."

"It's no good, Martin, it's still in the room."

Japanese disaster

"Well, then, how about staying together for the sake of our joint checking account?"

Second marriage vows.

". . . And if they weren't killed during World War III, or by climate change, or from obesity related heart-attacks. . . . then they are probably alive today. Living in old age poverty."

'Yeah, I couldn't make a lousy cent for days and I don't care about it! Got me, dude?'

'I'm looking as young as 20 years ago? Honey, promise me not to see an eye specialist for the next 20 years!'

'The worst part is, we've never had it so good.'

'One thing about being chronically unemployed -- we're safe from work-related injuries.'

"As a Senior Citizen applying for this job, where do YOU see yourself in 5 years?"

"Old MacDonald had a farm"

'The following program was made possible by canceling an even WORSE program.'

Eight nights of excuses

Fortunately there was an interpreter for those who understood sign language.