Reading Tabloids Pillows

'It seems like a King should have more than FIFTEEN minutes of fame!'

"Take us to your most influential power couple."

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

'I'd read the paper, but I can't wait until tomorrow to find out which celeb is being called fat today.'

"Is there a good sex scandal on?"

"Reverend John Ship performed the nuptials. Attorney Thomas Sims performed the prenuptials."

It soon became apparent that the vicar was an undercover journalist.

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

"I've seen a tulip before."

JET (Part I)

"And what self respecting tabloid do you think is going to buy photos of Little Foot?"

'He's great, he can even fetch the paper. Off the neighbour's step.'

"Yes dear, I know lots of people have a second honeymoon. But we only got back from our first one last week."

Weditorials

"Are those my slippers?!"

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"Just when I think things couldn’t get any worse, they replace The Lockhorns with Doonesbury!"

"And remember, people, it's better to light a scandal than to curse the darkness!"

"Have you consider the possibility that I don't want the paper?"

The Original Gossip Columns

'She's the worst gossip I've ever come across.'

'I want to sue my veterinarian. He didn't keep doctorpatient confidentiality and blabbed about my sex change operation to the tabloids.'

"We'd love to stay longer, but we have to go. Give this to the tabloid press. It explains everything!"

"Do I have to answer that? I wanted to sell all this stuff to the tabloids!"

'Hand me the 'desperates'.'

4-Panel: (1) 'Did you read this article on cockroaches?' (2) 'It says scientists have confirmed conditioned reflexes in cockroaches, just like Pavlov's dogs. I don't know if I believe that!' (4) 'What's for dinner?'

'Inflated gloom!'

Leisure Editor

"Poor bastard. The New York 'Times' just panned his zinfandel."

"God has chosen to ignore my prayers concerning the outcome of this year's election, and so I feel that I am once again free to be a very bad little boy."

"Could you hold off clipping your coupons until I've finished reading the paper?"

'Come in, Jordan - your time is up.'

"It took me a long time to teach him how to fetch a newspaper."