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Breaking News: Earth Crosses Multiple Lanes, Crashes into Sun... Distracted Orbiting to Blame.

No Baseball

'Me? Dislocated thumb from switching channels to catch all the Olympic events. . .'

"It evened out, for every free kick they got, we had one against us."

"Now that you've won the Super Bowl what will you do next?"

"Well I didn't see the incident myself.."

"And now, since our local teams really stink, here are scores for actual good teams around the country that you might want to root for."

'That was a flagrant misconduct of the left hand.'

Rollerblader wears a cast and has wheels on crutches

'You're on Deck! Wilson! Hurry up with that pedicure!'

"Well, Mom, I guess you saw what happened."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

'No, I haven't heard the score of the football game.'

'A ground ball to deep short, handled beautifully by Santana...'

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

"How do you know he was offsides? How do you know anything? Isn’t it possible this is all a dream?!"

Baseball Cheating

Mudville

'I'm proud of the lads. They show'd a lot of character coming back from one down. . . then two or three silly goals. . . At this level you get punished. But overall I thought we were a bit unlucky. . .'

Doping

'The stock market closed early today due to an outbreak of 'altitude sickness'.'

Meet Larry; tenor, baritone, philosopher, social commentator, sport analyst, political expert, relationship expert … and A+ certified plumber.

'... And now, the sports gossip.'

"If you don't wish to hear the match result look away now."

"How do you respond to critics who say you only play the backcourt?"

"Now your expenses have been capped, will you be opening some of those wage packets?"

"According to the statistics more people look at cricket statistics then watch the game."

"Matsuzaka has an ERA of 3.88, yet Francona’s starting Schilling. Doesn’t that seem counterintuitive to you?"

"Eh? What? Eh? I'm sorry, I dozed off during all that cross-field and back passing."

"And in an amazing development today, Oxford has failed to qualify for the boat race."