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'Hmph! Another programme trying to grab ratings'

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

'What does it say, Dad?'

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'

'She seems to think I only have one thing on my mind.'

"It's time for your performance review where I damn you with faint praise."

'It took me years of training, but now he's my perfect man.'

"Ours will be the first mixed marriage in my family. Dog people NEVER marry cat people."

'We've been playing house for 5 minutes, and she's already nagging me to get a job.'

"I like an attentive lover, but these feedback forms are ridiculous."

"But this book is just the alphabet all jumbled up..."

'I don't know about you, but he was really beginning to get on my nerves.'

"I've never, ever taken you for granted, Ingrid."

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

Performance reviews in Hell.

'Dalrymple came to us from the public sector.'

'I leave a few spaces so you can get a few words in edgeways.'

"Just tell us who's winning."

"For five starts it's worth the trip."

'There are signs of improvement but I wouldn't order Christmas cards with both your names on them.'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"It says here we should get a lodger."

"All parents fight."

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, sister? People were right: Now that gay people in all 50 states can marry, it's destroyed marriage altogether. My husband Larry just left me and moved in with Earl the plumber. First of all, ma'am, I'm pretty sure you have no idea how these things work. The supreme court gave Larry the gay. How do I undo the gay?

"Does it say 'I'm ovulating'?"

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"I'm the lot of baggage he comes with."

"I do love you, Robin, but I'm not sure I'm ready for a full-on commitment yet."

Four Star Meal

Note to viewers: we've cut back on sexual content by replacing it with violence.

"Ah-ha! Just in time to make my dinner!"

"Yes, this is exactly how wars start—because of someone's insensitivity!"

"The Tudballs got married by a judge. I still say a jury should have been present!"

"Nothing works with this guy. Would you like us to shoot the pool guy?"