Raspberry Raconteur T-Shirts

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"I can remember when a dollar was worth $47.32."

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

Non Thought For The Day.

Coffee Shop and Battery Charging Station

"Yes, but you were the defender of the wrong faith."

I'm a gangster rap fan too!

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

'Here goes the second bottle of champagne... I think it would be fair of You to tell me what are my chances so I know whether to order another bottle or not...'

Isn't that a surveillance camera?

"Hurry, hurry! When you get back, we'll finish rehashing 1924 and get right on to 1925!"

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"That's the man, Officer. That's Mr. Right!"

How Platypuses Are Born

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

Social butterfly

How was your week on the lake? Twig fell in lo-love! Oh, tell me! Why did I say that? Now I'll never find out anything. Relax, momster. $20 and I can provide a full background report. Done! Boys are so communicative!

Robot asking for money in bar code language.

'Sure, the term 'lab rat' has a lot of negative connotations but having drugs tested on you isn't so bad if you're a hypochondriac...'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'Even women talk about the one that got away'

It Actually Happened 'My neighbour is always bragging about her Manx cat....

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

Brenda always had Safe sex

"And this is where I met your mum."

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Ok, ok. We'll run through it one more time. The rabbit pops up, goes round the tree ..'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

"You've just been copying things from my sex diary into your sex diary."

Prince Charles celebrates Queen's abdication.

'...And before I knew it, I'd delegated ALL my authority!'