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'Oh no, it's the Burkes! You stall them here while I go fix my hair and don't let them roam around. Remember, once you have cockroaches in your kitchen, you'll never get rid of them.'

"The boss says he can remember the day I first started...but nothing after that."

Non Thought For The Day.

"Well, Mr. Goddam Fancy-Pants Small-Town-Expose hot shot! What makes you think we don't all have lusty, kiss-and-tell memoirs boiling away inside us?"

'No Jake, I don't want to watch you do it again.'

'Are you blind ref?'

"I'll need a three iron."

"You bet I had it mounted, it gave me the best fight of my life."

There is no limit to the amount of nonsense that men can talk about football.

"But you got some good reviews too, yeah?"

How Platypuses Are Born

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Crime and punishment - football.

'Sure, the term 'lab rat' has a lot of negative connotations but having drugs tested on you isn't so bad if you're a hypochondriac...'

"You misinterpreted the news. I've simply had a terrific autumn."

'Dear Abby: I continually find myself asking for advice from complete strangers. Please help.'

'It's a cheeky little wine!'

"Aside from Domino’s, China Palace and Lupe’s Fiesta Garden, do you have any professional references?"

"I'm the writer, executive producer, and star of my fibs."

'When did I first start rambling? Well, it's a long story...'

"My grant is somewhat restrictive. I have to work only with even numbers."

'Suspence, intrigue, deceit, vice...the annual report.'

'Well yes there was life before television but it didn't amount to much. . .'

I'm thinking of open-carrying. Forget it, little buddy. The last thing anyone needs is for you to be running around armed. You don't know the first thing about firearm safety. Who said anything about firearms? I'm talking about open-carrying my iPad. STOP! There's nothing more disgusting than a geek who thinks he's a technology cowboy wearing his gadgets like they're weapons. Stop the madness! What do you think, Randy: Hip holster, thigh holster, or shoulder sling? STOP!!! A real man would just

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"I'm in this dynamite twelve-step program that helps me not miss steps in my other twelve-step programs."

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'I'm just out of rehab...texting addiction.'

Tell me what you know about destiny...

"I am boomer. . . Hear me whine!"