Quitting Enthusiast Pillows

'Do you have a 'trying to quit' section?'

"Does it come in menthol?"

You can't fire me, because I quit. In the words of Bob Dylan, "I ain't gonna work on Maggie's Farm no more." In the words of Ray Charles, "Hit the road, Jack."

I'm going to prescribe a nicotine patch. I want you to put it on your forehead so you'll stop thinking of smoking.

'No, I didn't start smoking again! That's chimney you smell!'

'I guarantee THIS nicotine patch will work!'

Letter of Resignation

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

Will eat your homework for $.

Bob tries to get off on a technicality.

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'A cyber-terrorist stole my homework. I have a note from the CIA. '

"Damn Pope Gregory and his new calendar."

"My dog ate my homework. Then the backup files were hacked by Russians."

'There's a Mr Tilbin here to see you sir. Shall I tell him you're on the phone, in a meeting, or out of the office?'

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Your homework got washed away with your house! A likely story young man! See me after class!'

Grumpy Old Men

'Boy, am I hungry. Alll I've had to eat today is some homework!'

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

"I'm all out of answers! Get me my book of excuses!"

"I can't help the fact he's fallen in love with the barmaids poodle."

"I put catnip on my homework. I think he'll eat it!"

"That's just the meds kicking in."

'Kids get right up my nose!'

The 1 Minute Scape Goat.

'Reinventing myself.'

'Not tonight, Rodney - I have to delete e-mails.'

"I have bad knees."

"I didn't it, I read it, so guess who just graduated cum laude from Dinsdale High?"

'My brother ate my homework.'

An Excellent Excuse.