Quitting Enthusiast Pillows

'Do you have a 'trying to quit' section?'

"Does it come in menthol?"

I'm going to prescribe a nicotine patch. I want you to put it on your forehead so you'll stop thinking of smoking.

'No, I didn't start smoking again! That's chimney you smell!'

'I guarantee THIS nicotine patch will work!'

Letter of Resignation

Sign on desk reads: 'Thanks for not wishing me a nice day.'

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

Bob tries to get off on a technicality.

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'A cyber-terrorist stole my homework. I have a note from the CIA. '

"My dog ate my homework. Then the backup files were hacked by Russians."

"Damn Pope Gregory and his new calendar."

'There's a Mr Tilbin here to see you sir. Shall I tell him you're on the phone, in a meeting, or out of the office?'

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Your homework got washed away with your house! A likely story young man! See me after class!'

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

'Boy, am I hungry. Alll I've had to eat today is some homework!'

Grumpy Old Men

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

"I'm all out of answers! Get me my book of excuses!"

"I can't help the fact he's fallen in love with the barmaids poodle."

'Not tonight, Rodney - I have to delete e-mails.'

"I put catnip on my homework. I think he'll eat it!"

The 1 Minute Scape Goat.

'Reinventing myself.'

"That's just the meds kicking in."

'Kids get right up my nose!'

"I have bad knees."

"I didn't it, I read it, so guess who just graduated cum laude from Dinsdale High?"

'There you are - it works!'

'My brother ate my homework.'

Death of a Goat Yoga Instructor

'Listen...you can call me wrong...you can call me crazy...just don't call me after 5!'