Quitter's Comic Relief Pillows

Acupuncture - "So two hundred needles stuck into my fags will help me quit smoking, will it?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Critisize your weight.

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"He's very persuasive ... "

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Saving Lois Lane a dozen times doesn't mean you can claim her as a dependent on your taxes."

Break Glass in Case of Stress

Tourist in the desert

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

Nicotine Gum

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

"Uggh! Who am I?" 'Rory Bremner wakes up with a hangover'

"Is that before or after tax?"

'I'm going to try something new. I'm not afraid of failing.'

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'