Quitter's Comic Relief Pillows

Acupuncture - "So two hundred needles stuck into my fags will help me quit smoking, will it?"

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Overjumpers

Critisize your weight.

"We are gathered here to morn the passing of Bob Opossum."

"Yes, three of a kind beats two pair."

"It says here on your resume that one of your qualities is a sense of humor. Care to elaborate?"

"He's very persuasive ... "

'I think my teacher has a crush on me. She's holding me back for another year.'

"Its my letter of resignation. I also turned it into a memoir."

'It's a nicotine patch...I've been smoking too much.'

Tourist in the desert

Break Glass in Case of Stress

"I'm innocent. I've just never been able to pass up a good plea bargain."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

"I used to waste a lot of time explaining myself to family, friends and shrinks. Now I only explain myself to Rick."

'Let's face it...We have irreconcilable differences!'

'I must be getting good, because my Dad told me to go play for the neighbours!'

'Nothing to worry about, Mr. Jenkins, some people do have a mild reaction to the flu shot!'

'Sorry, but I don't think you're right for our company.'

"Having captions above makes me feel like I'm doing grand opera."

'I don't want bread crumbs. I'd prefer some money to buy a cheeseburger.'

Welcome to California. You may begin your Schwarzenegger imitation now

'20 of medical opinion may change every five years...but it wont be the 20 that says smoking 20 a day and being 5 stone overweight is bad for you.'

'I went online to check out my ancestry and I found that my dad, 10,000 times removed, was an amoeba!'

Birdcage and Man cover their heads at nighttime.

"After Harry was gone I started decorating the house as a distraction. It was around the time I was wallpapering the driveway that I thought I should seek grief counseling."

"Uggh! Who am I?" 'Rory Bremner wakes up with a hangover'

"Is that before or after tax?"

MD to patient: 'So, it's a little fuzzy and you're seeing spots?'

'I'm going to try something new. I'm not afraid of failing.'

Harold Plump: 'Here I lie . . . no apple pie.'