Quirky Waiter T-Shirts

'We'll have it for you right away - it's buried out in the yard somewhere.'

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

"Everything tastes better when it's cooked on the grill."

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

Armstrong? Why did UPS just deliver a microscope, a robotic arm, a huge incubator, a nucleus extractor and a dozen lab rats? Well, it's certainly not so I can replace you with an army of clones programmed to work for free. Well

Bangers and Mash

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

GMOs: The Next Generation

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

Stupid Microwave

Amy Sedaris

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'The customer is always right...'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"Tastes great, less killing!"

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"

'What the devil is that?

"My apologies, but that's not a meatball. That's my computer mouse. I've been looking for it."

At the Periodic Picnic Table of the Elements

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

"It's something I made myself - chocolate covered veggies."

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'White beetroot?' 'I bleached them.'