Quirky Waiter Pillows

'We'll have it for you right away - it's buried out in the yard somewhere.'

'Enjoy your meal! We grow everything ourselves!'

"Everything tastes better when it's cooked on the grill."

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

Bangers and Mash

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

'I know! It's what I had last night for dinner.'

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

GMOs: The Next Generation

'Do you want me to get the fish bone out, or not?'

'We call it the 'Tomato Surprise' because the chef tinkered with the DNA a little.'

'Waiter, could I have some more water right away?'

Stupid Microwave

'Tomato ketchup?' 'Well you wanted the house red.'

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

Leftovers restaurant - for that unpretentious dining.

"One spaghetti, and two straws please."

Amy Sedaris

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'The customer is always right...'

Dave's Hamburger Shop

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

"Tastes great, less killing!"

Artichoking victim

"It's something I made myself - chocolate covered veggies."

'What the devil is that?

'White beetroot?' 'I bleached them.'

Chef: 'Howz that Octopus coming along Jeff?'

"When it's extremely cold out, I prefer flambés to winter stews."

At the Periodic Picnic Table of the Elements

Hell's Kitchen specials: Lawyer thermador, barrister kabobs, litigator flambe, attorney tartare.

'Would you care for a drink while your food is being defrosted?'

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

"Why don't I start you off with the contact information of everyone who's read those menus over the last 14 days?"