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'It's for teenage girls.'

Licensed Therapist

"You have issues? Be more specific, what issues?"

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

'Now that hunting season is over, I'd suggest separate vacations.'

'Pencil on couch being psycho analysed.'

"If find people express themslves more freely in traffic jams."

A hard green shell on the outside doesn't always mean it's chocolaty on the inside.

'I have to admit I was skeptical at first, but their hooves are magical, Magical, I say!'

Psychiatrist to man dressed in baseball jersey: 'You've never gotten over the fact your father wouldn't play catch with you?'

"The fact that I have multiple personalities and none of them are computer literate is depressing."

'Life's little wonders are too big for me.'

"No heroic measures."

'I may not really need you. My imaginary friend is a psychiatrist.'

"About that insomnia...have you tried counting billable hours?"

"Since you ask, when I'm through here I go home and listen to a bunch of mindless crap on TV."

"You dawdle, daydream. You make lists of things to do but can't get started. You seem to be restricted from doing what you know you should be doing. These problems will dissolve when you read Chapter Ten of my new book, at eight dollars and ninety-five cents."

'Just because they're afraid of you, it doesn't mean they don't like you.'

Psychoanalyst turtle trying to help turtle patient come out of shell

Let's try something new, Al. I'll say a word, then you remain mercifully silent for the rest of the hour.

'I had a very unhappy egghood....'

"Would it be possible to speak with the personality that pays the bills."

'Right. Like I'd tell YOU.'

'Yes, we are going in circles. How do you feel about that?'

'It's not my childhood that traumatised me. It's the size of your bills.'

A Wally Yomp Psychologist...Practice limited to people who are really miffed!

I was toilet trained a month early, and it's been downhill ever since

"You do realise that you are not the only client scheduled this morning?"

I always felt I should have been born into royalty, Doctor Kapuchnik. If it's any consolation, Al, you're a royal pain.

Psychiatry. I'm not fooling anybody but myself? Well, that's a start!

"....At least we don't have to put quarters in this hot tub."

"We're not a couple. He's just my ride."

'I think Mr. Teddy's getting too dependent on me.'

Cracker nice, but Polly want more.

'And now Patrick will tell us how music has helped him with his problems.'