Quirky Hr Enthusiast Pillows

'We're looking for a candidate who is good at handling unexpected situations!'

'Yes, can I help you?'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'I'll be honest with you. The pay isn't great.'

"I'm going to send you to someone who's more familiar with the law of the jungle."

-...And we don't discriminate against people of colour. -I've been on the sunbed!

'It's my spare tire. Why do you ask?'

"We had to lay off most of the staff to pay for the recruitment and training of new staff to replace the staff we laid off."

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

'The last guy I worked for kept me on a short leash.'

'You are smarter, faster and more efficient than Carter... they's why I'm making you the new assistant to Carter!'

The world's most unemployable family

'We're looking for someone who is willing to just do their job.'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

'Ms. Moffit, please inform the staff that I have morphed and send in that plump young marketing trainee.'

What do you think of the application so far?

Office supplies - Notebooks, memo pads and rap sheets.

"I'm trying to find a way to balance your strengths against your felonies."

Rudy, from now on I'm going to answer all employee requests through Twitter. Publicly? Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. That's right. If you have a valid request, you should have no problem with the entire world hearing it. Now, what was that again about you needing time off for a proctology appointment? Never mind. Hold on ... composing a tweet ... How do you spell "polyp" again?

"My heavens, Bentley ... we've found it. A Silicon Valley headquarters without a slide."

'He gives his heart and soul to every annual performance review.'

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'

"Good: I see you're fluent in nonsense."

You don't have to be mad to work here but Mwaaark!

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

Dexter Flynn, Taxidermy Attorney.

"I just want to see how you look in a cubicle."

I'm sorry, but your drug screen results disqualify you as an employment candidate, You see, sample 'A' is a normal brain, sample 'B' is a normal brain on drugs, and sample 'C',,, Well, Mr, Dumpty, sample 'C' is your brain,

Exciting suggestion in 'suggestion box'.

'Have you any other references apart from your mother's?'

"Nice and simple. The way a family leave policy should be."

'Oh, we have an excellent benefits package †major medical, dental plan, vacation, retirement, nude encounter sessions....'

'Careful. You still have that new-employee smell.'

Working from home.

Play Ball!