Quirky Home Improvement Aficionado Pillows

"If you want to turn it off, you just pull this chain until you accidentally turn it back on."

'How do you like my new, deep plush carpet?'

Schubert's Unfinished Basement

Cake Free Zone

'We've knocked out the interior walls to improve our home Wi-Fi coverage.'

A DIY disaster.

Hardware Store Tools Wrench

'Will you be long, fixing this leak? I'll have to put my Bert's dinner on in ten minutes.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

"I'd like to have my teeth scrimshawed without being, you know, harpooned."

"The white flag means he gives up and will finally hire a professional to finish the renovation."

Your Home Remodel Team

"It's a miracle I was able to build this desk all by myself. I'm not so handy."

Newfangled contraceptions phobia: 'David, David, we're sinking! Our water bed has sprung a leak!'

Bob’s Museum

'Have you got one of those things you use to knock nails in...?'

Leonardo Da Vinci's Cat

'I figure that if I sell just one, I can retire.'

Wallpapering with Nails

"When we remodeled, we decided to go with the granite countertop."

'Old mother hubbard -- your cupboard is now bare.'

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

"They've got insulation to die for!"

"Can't we just get some load-bearing wallpaper?"

'Would it have killed you to go with a store-bought model?'

House Painter gets stuck to the ceiling.

Snow globe

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

"Tell me, do you own a mallet with a rubber shaft?"

"I've fixed the shelf, darling."

'Don't say it! You're going to ask me if I notice anything different in here.'

"Larry does all his own stunts."

Translating Contractor to English

'I'll calk that hole as soon as the siege is over.'