Quantification Junkie Pillows

"I feel that showing my family data reveals more than a mere photograph can convey."

'I pledge allegiance to the atom, and to the periodic table on which it stands, many particles indivisible, with orbitals and electrons for all.'

Admissions test for the Danbury Institute of Philosophy

The other digital divide.

'It says here you can talk trash in five languages.'

"That's it - I've had it up to here with measurement devices."

Drinks for the post-caffeinated economy

'Due to budget cutbacks we are combining our annual employee dinner with The Seven Basic Quality Control Tools Training.'

"The economic modeling of our economic modeling suggests we need to remodel."

"36% of our focus group suffered from the side effects, while 14% enjoyed them."

Filling Cabinet - "Why are all the letters different?"

'Rap sheets! All the latest criminal stats! Get your rap sheets here!'

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

"I can never go metric. 'Al's 30.48 Centimeter Hot Dogs' just doesn't sound right."

'This red line indicates the change in this red line over a period of time,'

'I used to be dull and boring then, one day, I discovered accountancy.'

'Boys, the team statistician will now explain why our record of 23 wins and 59 losses is very, very good.'

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

ACcountants Lunch

'I'm not sure that mentioning your diploma in 'Monkey Business' really helps your resume...'

"Would you like a piece of advice or the whole pie?"

That's what I call attention to detail!

"Has it occurred to anyone that the economy might improve if we outsourced the government?"

'Do you have any white with a hint of discount?'

'Maybe we should start a profit scaring scheme?'

'The good times are over men - the bottoms fallen out of Guano!'

Data Hoarders

'It's hard to meet out time management guidelines now that all our clocks are on Bombay time.'

I think we've got the numbers right we just don't know which ones to use... Or what order to put them in.

"This is no time to be thinking about ourselves, Matthews, so I'll see you at the meeting on Monday?"

'And I'll be monitoring for quality and training purposes.'

30.48 cm Hot Dogs

"Some 'Rescue Dog' he turned out to be!"

Mobius Stripper

'But I'm twice the man he is!'