Quack-up Comedian Pillows

"She thought he was a good listener. Turns out he was a decoy."

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Glance Exchange

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"It's just a tree."

"Elementary, my dear Quackson."

"How about a hand."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Spiro & Pusho illusionists

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

'You can't come in here with that.'

"I cross the road to forget."

'The Lemming Book Store'

Self Help / Elf Help.

"With an average vote of 3.5 stars, the legislation is passed."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'