Pup Diplomat T-Shirts

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"I don’t see how confirming who I like best will help this situation."

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Landing That Tough Account

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Okay, let's negotiate. Just how good do I have to be?'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

'If I eat three more pieces of meat and three more spoonfuls of peas, I want three puddings after!'

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

Good duck, bad duck.

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Advantages of Growing Older

Bipartisan.

"I hear the food's good. But try to get a table."

"It was humiliating! First, he told me to beg and then he wanted me to roll over and pretend I was dead...so, I bit him!"