Canine Diplomat T-Shirts

"If you can show me anywhere in my contract it says anything about fetching, I'll go fetch."

The Canine League of Nations

Growl - Hiss Conflict Resolution Meeting

"Look, he just wants to apologize for scaring the daylights out of you yesterday. ... Mr. Squirrel? ..."

'We can't go on meeting like this'.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Your credentials are impressive, Carter but... quite frankly, Mr. Biggles doesn't seem to like you."

"My owner is teaching me to think before barking, which gave Federal Express plenty of time to clobber me."

'Please forgive me for anything I've said or left unsaid.'

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

"Three yummies, a pat on the head, and a 'Good doggy.' That's my client's final offer."

'I've been depressed ever since PBS said pigs are smarter than dogs!'

"Forget George, he scarfs down everything in sight. Aunt Rose and Grandma are good for slipping us a slice. Most important, the kids are sloppy. We're bound to find some juicy scraps under their chairs. Stay alert!"

"Here's another fine mess you've gotten us into."

Landing That Tough Account

'It's Always 'Good Dog'—Never 'Great Dog.'

"After all the trouble I've been in lately, I decided to hire a PR firm to repair my image."

'A Telegram, M'Lord.'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Don't forget to talk about their dog!'

'Okay, let's negotiate. Just how good do I have to be?'

"I'm just saying, studies show that owning a human can improve the quality of your life."

'You can't charm me out of this chair.'

'If I eat three more pieces of meat and three more spoonfuls of peas, I want three puddings after!'

"I'm about ready to forgive the French."

"Wow, interesting, looks like she's not just being mean: research shows that chocolate is actually bad for us. . ."

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'Oh, yes, you will get off!'

Bipartisan.

Advantages of Growing Older

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

"I hear the food's good. But try to get a table."

"It was humiliating! First, he told me to beg and then he wanted me to roll over and pretend I was dead...so, I bit him!"

Good duck, bad duck.

Cat thrusts note through mousehole that reads 'Can't we talk about this?'