Punchline Rancher Pillows

"I broke him, but now he wants to pursue a career in standup."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"Smite him, my son!"

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Chicken: the one-man show

"It's easy to test yourself. Go to sleep at night and if you wake up alive the next morning, you didn't die of Corona overnight."

Comedy Rule

"Just be happy you're getting in, worry about your hair later."

Phill Jupitus

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

"Your early stuff was funnier."

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'I gave him the old one-two, but then he gave me three, four, five, six, seven and eight!'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."