Pun Champion Pillows

"Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato—how can I help you?"

'I couldn't spell anything but trouble.'

'I'm warning you! I have friends in high places.' 'They're climbing Ben Nevis.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

The Signing of tthe United States Constitution

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"Staff support"

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Ironically, this is the living room."

Copycats

Zombie standup

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

Today we'll see some misused or misunderstood financial and economic terms. It's said inflation can hurt the economy. But it's absolutely in the tire business. I bought this warm puffy jacket with cash. A down payment. We like beer and coffee. Our most valuable liquid assets. In a monopoly breakup, the race car would to go one person and the dog to another. And when I become either a buyer or a seller. He's shorting the market!

"It does have a side effect. You'll faint when I tell you how much it will cost to produce."

'Darling I want you to remember this always,,,'

'The history of Glue. It's impossible to put down.'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

I will study my speling words...

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

'You've got bats alright...now we'll just have to determine what kind.'

"Another dry scotch Manhattan, Mike. Make it a double."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"You're going to hate yourself."

"He's taken buzzed to a whole new level."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Boneheads! I never said I was bringing ten condiments!

'Your French dip, sir.'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole