Puck Protector Pillows

"I'm your last line of defense and your attorney."

Knock on the door - dog stands up and shouts 'Beat it!'

'I do a lot of icing. It's part of my mellowness.'

No Soliciting

"And with you on guard, I won't have to worry about that monster under my bed."

'Your master isn't due for release until the first of the month.'

"Don't even think about it."

Hockey Season.

'He has a big heart. . . inviting his homeless friends in to stay dry.'

The IRS emptied my pouch.

'Lungs, normal. Heart, normal. Kidneys, normal. For the life of me, I can't figure out where your pain is coming... wait. Do you play hockey?'

'He migrates through every year about this time. Just sits there and watches. We leave him alone and he leaves us alone...'

"We're looking for a 5000 step walk."

"Don’t worry, girl. I’m working on our ‘no puppy left behind.’"

'The team we're playing tonight is good 'cause I heard they know how to turn and stop!'

"Someday, my son, that will mean you."

'I'm a guard dog too.'

'Have you seen little Spotty?'

"Hello? I`d like to report a missing person..."

Climate change hits Antarctica

'Aha...Hmmmm...tsk, tsk, tsk!'

His Other Shtick

'It's great: My Masters are poor, so I don't have anything to guard and they never leave me to go on holidays...'

'It's true what they say - we're a nation of dog lovers!'

"Just so you know, despite the horrifying beating you're about to receive, I'm actually a pretty good hockey player."

'Okay, how do we do this?'

"Prozzac"

'Would you like me to check your coat?'

'It's plastic, Ben, it's only plastic!'

'Oh, Joey's left home alright, but you know how it is, kids never really move out...'

"Try nibblin' through that, you little tree rat!"

'You've only been with us for a week and we've had three complaints of missing puppies already!'

"If you're my best friend then why did you have me neutered?"

'Forgive me father for I have sinned...I ate a paperback and pee-ed on the carpet.'