Publican Pillows

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Wanted: Solutions Integration Specialist, Must Be Able To Mix Drinks.

'Once I get started I drink like a fish.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

'Whats your poison.'

"The reason I couldn't make it as a lawyer is I couldn't pass a bar."

'That's one thing about him. He knows when to stop.'

'Hoots-Mon... with a wee dram at these prices I'll never get tipsy!'

'When I drink, I don't drive. I stay right here where it's safe and cozy.'

'Just looking, thanks.'

'Name yer poison, gents!'

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

"I'd like to buy everyone a drink. All I ask in return is that you listen patiently to my shallow and simplistic views on a broad range of social and political issues."

"C'mon - drink up Dr. Watson. . . don't you have a Holmes to go to?"

'Yes, the peanuts are free. But, we still expect you to buy a drink!'

"This Beer's flat."

'These drinks have been watered down.'

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

'It's what I'd call an unpretentious old fashioned boozer.'

'The usual.'

"Sorry, the lagers off"

'Sorry, no credit, the only free spirit in here is my barmaid.'

Businessman at a bar mad to look like desk. Bartender says: 'The usual, Mr. B?'

'Happy hour was over an hour ago. Wipe that stupid grin off your face!'

"Hop it! We don't serve your type!"

'Avoid the Christmas rush, drink now.

'No doubt about it, THIS is the most beautiful time of the day!'

"You can tatse the slopes, er I mean hops in this."

'Friend, we have a bar code here.'

'No more for me, it's going straight to my head.'

'It's an early warning system, it picks up my wife.'

'It's quiet in here tonight...'

"It's the loony bin. They want to know if you're coming back."

"Joe, the beautiful people are back from their summer places. Would you mind not coming in anymore?"