Publican Pillows

'As soon as I mention Nietzsche - stop serving me, okay.'

Wanted: Solutions Integration Specialist, Must Be Able To Mix Drinks.

'Once I get started I drink like a fish.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

'I heard your licence was revoked.'

'When I drink, I don't drive. I stay right here where it's safe and cozy.'

'Whats your poison.'

'That's one thing about him. He knows when to stop.'

'Hoots-Mon... with a wee dram at these prices I'll never get tipsy!'

'Name yer poison, gents!'

'At least they can't touch the village local' say two country gents. The pub now has a sign on the window saying 'This is now a smoke free pub, also no dogs or horsey types!'

"The reason I couldn't make it as a lawyer is I couldn't pass a bar."

'Just looking, thanks.'

'No doubt about it, THIS is the most beautiful time of the day!'

"Hop it! We don't serve your type!"

'No more for me, it's going straight to my head.'

Businessman at a bar mad to look like desk. Bartender says: 'The usual, Mr. B?'

'What's wrong with him?' - 'He drank a glass of water by mistake.'

'It's what I'd call an unpretentious old fashioned boozer.'

"Sorry, the lagers off"

"I'd like to buy everyone a drink. All I ask in return is that you listen patiently to my shallow and simplistic views on a broad range of social and political issues."

'The usual.'

"This Beer's flat."

'It's quiet in here tonight...'

'Friend, we have a bar code here.'

'Sorry, no credit, the only free spirit in here is my barmaid.'

'These drinks have been watered down.'

'Yes, the peanuts are free. But, we still expect you to buy a drink!'

'Happy hour was over an hour ago. Wipe that stupid grin off your face!'

'It's an early warning system, it picks up my wife.'

'Avoid the Christmas rush, drink now.

"C'mon - drink up Dr. Watson. . . don't you have a Holmes to go to?"

"You can tatse the slopes, er I mean hops in this."

'This one's called 'Towel stealer'. It's a guest beer.'

"You can come in mate - but don't start buying anything."