Public Opinion Surveys Prints

"Would you say that you are strongly in favor of Universal Healthcare?"

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

Others' perceptions (which aren't always true)

'Which scares you most - Iran, North Korea, or the alternative minimum tax?'

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

"Our latest survey shows our customers basically want just three things: prompt service, and apology when mistakes occur and to be treated politely..."

'Yes. No. Sometimes. No. No. Yes. Don't know. Sometimes. Yes. Mo.'

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."

"Would you have a moment to take a short survey about your experience?"

'Perhaps it's time we re-branded.'

Election Time

'Can you spare a moment for the Universe, sir?'

"It's ten o'clock, and seventy-seven per cent of the people think all is well!"

"Rate your experience and you could win an Amazon gift voucher."

'And now, an NBS News Special Investigative Report: Why doesn't President Obama get the respect and support he deserves?'

I'm just a pollster, ma'am - I have no idea which candidate is a cat person.

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

"On a scale of one to ten. How happy would you say you are?"

"Since they graduated, have any of your children moved back in with you?"

"It's a seasonal thing....Like the first gritters of the winter and the first cuckoo of spring!"

What's your stupid opinion on the following...

If students are more than a test score why aren't teachers?

"Excuse me, sir - I'm conducting a survey about stress in the workplace."

"Good evening. Can I start you off with a customer satisfaction survey?"

'...and how satisfied are you with the food? (1) very satisfied,(2) satisfied,(3) needs improvements.'

Suggestions Box

Gate has 'beware of the dog' sign. Dog has a clipboard questionnaire and asks: 'Excuse me, could I have five minutes of your time?'

"Step 10 paces, turn and post your opinion on facebook."

"But, what if we're attacked in the press?"

"The latest numbers are in. More voters want you to drop out than to run."