Psychiatry Buffs Pillows

'Since I've been identifying with you, I've been appointed director of the Millwood Psychiatric Institute.'

"I hope you are enjoying the walk..."

"And you're certain these are accidents?"

'Look around, son. See if there's one you like. But remember: These are abandoned players, unwanted by their teams - so they might come with some psychological baggage.'

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"Barking sometimes helps me relax. But then it drives the neighbors crazy."

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

"Nobody ever asked about my mental health."

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

"But if you cure my hypochondria I won't have any hobbies."

"The bottle says that 'Extreme Hair Growth' is a rare side effect of this medication."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

"I disagree — I think humans are funny."

Banana Split Personality

"We need to update your entire operating system."

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"And that's when the therapist suggested… exposure therapy!"

"Yet she never gains an ounce."

'Occasionally the Dr. asks me to get real with people.'

"It's good you're avoiding radioactive pieces of your destroyed home planet that deprive you of your superpowers... but you should also watch the sodium."

"All a cat CAN do is strive for authenticity."

'On the plus side, I give my thanks this Thanksgiving that I'm not a turkey. On the minus side...'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"I'm an oldest child trapped in the body of a middle child."

Pipe Smoker of the Year Awards.

"Am I sensing fear?"

"It's the cat doc, he scares me."

'I screwed up royally!'

Man with arrow in back - "We're going to run some tests to see if it's psychosomatic."

'Those fish-oil treatments doing your arthritis any good?'

'It's just like any other doll except this one needs hours of therapy to work normally.'

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."