Prose Pretender Pillows

Plagiarism

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"Oh, this old thing?"

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

Meet the Shameless Self-Promoter 2 PM

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Parisian Misguided Tours.

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

"Athlete? No. Ambulance chaser."

Miserable man holding a balloon with smiling face.

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

The Artificial Intelligentsia

"Because we're jerks."

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.

The Fledging Author Struggles To Find His Voice. . .

'I can't come to work today. I'm in bed with a nasty, little bug.'

"Whoever he is, he has season tickets."

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

'The games console has saved us a fortune in holidays. We told him we were seeing the pyramids but we were actually in Skegness. He didn't notice.'

Walk right in. Sit right down.

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

"Well, no, but I always rooted for them."

"This book can't be very sophisticated...I understood it right away."

"On your CV it says you get the Nobel Prize for 'being spectacular', I didn't know there was one for that!"

I'm also carrying that book around without reading it.