Professional Pretender Pillows

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

'Hello, Acme signs? This is the Berger & Coles Law Office...'

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

What do you mean, "Did I try anything funny?"

'Excuse me, I'm going to talk on the cellphone while pretending you're not here.'

He kept pretending he was going to work when he was just running errands.

"Take a pill in the morning, in the afternoon and at night."

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

Thank you for not making faces during teleconferences with the boss.

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

'I think the meeting went reasonably well until he threatened to call security.'

Another reason why a high school diploma is not enough.

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

Parisian Misguided Tours.

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

Avoid, Liabilities, Assets.

'No kidding? You don't wear anything underneath either?'

Plagiarism

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

"Athlete? No. Ambulance chaser."

The Artificial Intelligentsia

Pretentious man reads Culture supplement, saying: 'I don't know much about art but I know what to pretend to like.'

"Because we're jerks."

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.

'I can't come to work today. I'm in bed with a nasty, little bug.'

"I don't think air guitar counts."

"I'm very good at acting like I know what I'm doing."

The last 'take your mother to work' day.

Sale: Air guitar. As new.

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

'The games console has saved us a fortune in holidays. We told him we were seeing the pyramids but we were actually in Skegness. He didn't notice.'

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

"Your training begins just as it did with the masters of old... with positive affirmations and five minutes of low-impact cardio."