Proposal Humorist Pillows

'I asked her to marry me. She put me on hold.'

Football Chameleon

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

The devil you know and his plus one

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

'I'm going to give you something for your depression - it's an airline ticket to the Bahamas!'

'What'll it be?'

'People have been known to lose an eye when a wink goes seriously wrong.'

'Do your lawyers have to be here?'

'Anybody who has a life, gets more work.'

Scientist to other: 'That's the saddest hypothesis I've ever heard!'

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

'Point of clarification, sir. Are you still in charge, or have you ceded power to your sock puppet?'

The team wondered if he would ever fit in.

Murphy bed...Murphy.

I was rapidly rising to my level of incompetence, so I started screwing up just enough to maintain job security.

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

'Take two a day and in a couple of years you'll be a pharmacist!'

'My 434 novels are very similar to Terry Pratchetts apart from the fact that they've never been published.'

'I hate to rush you, but I'm getting a leg cramp.'

"Keep your eyes peeled Jenkins - another photocopiers gone missing."

'Well, I'm glad you two share a sense of humor.'

Sheepdog

"Well, if you want my blood pressure lower don't keep waiting two hours to see you."

Joe's Bar: Gentlemen must wear blue collars.

Giraffe painter.

'In hindsight, I believe that our oversight was shortsighted. At least that's my insight.'

The new contract will give you much more power over your future...so here are some guidelines as to how you'll be allowed to use it!'

"Just a few more pages, Hansen, and we'll take a short break."

'I understand the plight of average crustaceans... Because I'm just an average crustacean myself.'

Cinderfelon

"Here at Consolidated Megacorp we carry on a proud tradition of marginal competence."

"Find out who set up this experiment. It seems that half of the patients were given a placebo, and the other half were given a different placebo."