Property Maintenance Pillows

"You can replace the tank, switch to natural gas, or huddle in a corner and cry as you ask yourself why you ever thought buying a house was a good idea."

"When do your in-laws leave?"

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

'Harold, when was the last time you cleaned the pool?!'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

Man using to much bug spray

"In the whole length and breadth of this world there is no more admirable a spot for a man and his dog to pass the time than the local Home Depot."

'Dang it, I just washed this street. Boy, every time...'

"These colder temperatures always cause my tire pressure to drop—it's a good thing I stopped to check." Peter finally grows up.

Yardless: Please help

Neighbor Leaf Wars

"I sensed you needed my help. I’m Saint &@!#%&!!, the patron saint of cursing."

'As my solicitor I think you could have negotiated that better.'

Mulching Vacuum Cleaner

"See this area right here, honey? This is why we need to find someone who knows what they're doing."

'White smoke means she decided what to cook. Black smoke means it's done.'

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

"You've got termites. The good news is I gave them all little phones to keep their minds off doing any damage."

The Big Book of Suspicious Crawl Spaces

"The trees are laughing at us."

"Twenty five years... I think it's time we renew our towels."

The household cavalry

Timber preservation

"Ma'am, you don't have an ant problem. They're coffee grounds."

"Sure, it's a break you can live with... but screw one more socket and you're toast!"

'Can we call a realtor now?!'

Lazy plumber.

"I fixed your leaky tap and the oven door... but there's nothing I can do with that dodgy seal on the fridge!"

"From the wind, the chill and the snow, a god is born."

House proud woman vacuums hair from dog.

"What already?! You're the one who told me I needed professional help."

"Let me call you back, Lori. I'm binge-watching John clean the gutters."

'Hanging around the house, Fred, just in case.'